Choose One

October 20, 2011 § 4 Comments

The day was supposed to work out differently than it has, which is to say the tractor was not supposed to end up stuck beyond all possible means of self-extraction, under circumstances that are so wretchedly self-inflicted I can only laugh at my own stupidity. Learning, learning… always learning.

The time spent mucking about with the loutish machine is time I cannot spare, or at least perceive I cannot spare. Of late, I have not done a particularly good job of striking a healthy balance between paying work, the farm, and my family, and the result is the sense that I can’t quite get on top of my life, that things have developed their own chaotic momentum, leaving me with little choice but to hang on until I reach the bottom of my list of commitments.

If it sounds like I’m complaining, I don’t mean for it to. This is chaos that, like the miring of our tractor, is entirely of my own doing and is in its own way enjoyable. Each and every project on my plate feels like an opportunity, rather than a burden, and it is only when they are gathered into a whole that it sometimes feels like I’m carrying more than I should.

I’ve been to this place before, both in regards to the tractor, and the fickle balance of my life. I’m not sure if I should find this comforting (hey, I got through it then; I’ll get through it now) or dispiriting (I’m still doing this shit?!?).

Hell with it. I’m just going to choose one. And I choose “comforting.”

§ 4 Responses to Choose One

  • E. Baron says:

    I’ve chosen the self-comforting (I’ve gotten through worse, and will get through this) strategy many, many times. (I’m choosing it right now.) I think it’s a lot more productive than the alternative of beating yourself up. Besides, why heap pain upon pain? Either way, you’re right: we learn from our experiences. I hope the tractor is unstuck by now and balance will come soon.

  • Dawn says:

    I think it’s partly the season – people who live close to the land feel so rushed right now, trying to get “it’ all done before frost, rain, mud, snow – winter. The panic of “what if” it doesn’t all get done in time- it drives us so, and makes us do dumb things that we know better than to do… I think we all get mired like your tractor, as a result of our own choices, decisions, actions, etc. And there’s only ever one way out – one step at a time. You’ll get there. The picture is wonderful – such pure joy!

  • Davey says:

    Hey Ben; although I don’t run into you much these days ( I mean – what were the chances that day in the back country of the 400,000 acre Green Mt Nat Forest?) … it’s nice to know we’re still up to the same hijinks.

    Next time – try this method:

    much faster!


  • Victoria says:

    Comforting – Yes!!

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